Life · Random Musings

Fall Anxiety – My Battle

Hi friends! I am writing this to get these thoughts off my chest, mainly because if I don’t, I’ll probably do something stupid like buy $100 worth of books or a few new video games or something like that. 😒

A year ago, I was in a bad place. I was severely depressed, suffered from constant anxiety, had a spending problem that made me feel better at the time, but contributed to my credit card debt, which contributed back to my depression and anxiety. It was a vicious circle.

After a heart to heart with my mom and being caught in a lie over how bad my credit card debt was, I was forced to really examine my life. What was I doing to myself? Why was I doing this to myself?

So, I talked to my doctor and got an antidepressant to help stabilize my moods and give me some semblance of control over my anxiety. I also saw a therapist through my workplace’s Employee Assistance Program. I only had 6 sessions, but I felt those 6 sessions gave me a starting point and a goal to work towards.

The past year has been amazing! I’ve done more living than I have in I don’t know how many years. I’ve taken back control of my mind (mostly – we will touch on this later), and I feel like I am a human being worthy of love now. Again, mostly.

Why mostly? Well, even though I am better, I still have days that my depression and/or anxiety sneak up on me. And when they do, I find myself wanting to desperately fall back into bad habits such as binge eating or spending money that I do not have. I’ve been able to recognize the signs for the most part, but I still find myself having to call my mom to bring me back to ground level and stabilize my thoughts. When my mom isn’t available, I’ve had some amazing friends take up the banner and help me. You guys are amazing and thank you!

The months of August through November are typically the hardest for me. I have no clue why that is exactly.

Perhaps it’s because in the past, crappy things have happened between July and October and I subconsciously associate negative things to those months.

Perhaps it is because in high school, August through November was my favorite time of year: marching band season. I was probably my happiest doing our practices and shows, and also at my healthiest. Now that I am an adult, I don’t have that structure and it’s hard to get that feeling back.

Perhaps it because my birthday is in October, and the months leading up to my birthday drive home what I think I am lacking in my life compared to others. I tend to dread my birthday and hate the day being made into a big deal other than some warm wishes. I think this goes back to my lack of self-love and thinking that my birth was not worth a celebration. It was just another day that led to another year of uselessness.

As my birthday approaches this year, I don’t find myself dreading it as much. 30 was a pretty amazing year for me, and I’m kind of curious to see what 31 brings. That being said, I don’t think I am ready for a big party. I mean, I freak out trying to throw a small get together! I don’t think I’m mentally prepared to throw a birthday party. I might lock myself in my closet. 🤣 Maybe a party next year…

So, even though I’ve been on eggshells anticipating something, the past few months haven’t been bad. I’ve had some moments, because every day is a battle in the bigger war I wage against my depression and anxiety, but I’ve been able to pull myself out of it, either by myself or with some help.

I am thankful everyday of the progress I have made in the last year. Am I where I want to be? Not quite; but I am sure as hell trying to enjoy the journey.

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